Do you really think there is some correlation between our ability to feel relaxed and comfortable in our own skin and be skin to skin with someone else? As a Health Psychologist and Sexual Medicine expert, I have asked the question for many years. After doing several literature reviews, I found that nothing has been written to answer this question. Hence, I am proposing a survey with open parameters to begin a dialogue and develop some potential solutions to this question. From a common sense perspective, it makes sense when I discuss this question with my patients every day. However, it may make such common sense that no one has actually bothered to study the reality of this basic question. I am proposing some questions that I believe will get at the heart of the question and truly appreciate your taking the time to answer, as honestly as possible, these questions. At the end, I will have some suggestions about how to interpret your results and you may feel free to email any responses or comments that you wish after completing this survey. My current plan is to update the questionnaire, after receiving responses from the first 100 people.


Because the mind and body are connected, our sense of overall wellbeing is influenced by many factors, including our relationships and physical intimacy, and our sense of community or professional identity. It seems that each of these seems more important at different times in our lives and the secret is to be aware of these different preferences as we go through various developmental stages. And, it is important to try and create a balance to enjoy all of these aspects of our sense of self as fully as possible regardless of the stage we may be in at any given time. The secret is to create the sense of peace within to allow for differentiation of self and a balanced life which is content and flexible-growing and learning-empathic and supportive.



(Marked along a continuum from “absolutely true for me” to “not true at all”– or similar)


RATE 5 to 1 (strongly agree-5 to strongly disagree-1)

Quality of relationship (R)


1. I feel like my partner/husband/wife is my best friend.


2. I am safe enough to share all my deepest secrets with my partner/husband/wife.


3. We are happy enjoying peace and harmony in our relationship.


4. When I tell my partner/husband/wife about a personal problem, I feel like he/she really hears me.


5. My partner/husband/wife and I do not personalize all of our interactions.


6. My partner/husband/wife and I are able to support each other in most of our endeavors.


Self-confidence (SC)

1. When I look in the mirror, I am satisfied with my appearance.


2. I feel fulfilled with my job and/or community activities.


3. I usually have some kind of project or hobby going on in my life.


4. I have a number of close friends in whom I can easily confide and feel heard.


5. My family is very important to me.


6. I enjoy being a parent/father/mother and I feel close to my children.


Quality of sexual relationship (S)

1. I enjoy the frequency of physical intimacy that my partner/husband/wife and I share.


2. It is easy for me to get in the mood for sex.


3. During sex, I frequently have an orgasm.


4. My partner/husband/wife usually is satisfied with our physical intimacy.


5. It is easy for my partner/husband/wife and I to talk openly about our sexual relationship.


6. My partner/husband/wife and I are comfortable initiating our sexual encounters.


What your answers might mean

I think we’d need to build in some kind of scoring, so readers can measure themselves and learn what they can do to have more confidence….and (presumably) better sex lives. Here is an overview or general suggestion about what these scores might mean:

When scoring the Relationship (R), Self-confidence (SC), Sexuality (S) separately:

30-24     Represents a very good and satisfying (R), (SC), or (S)

23-18    Represents an average (R), (SC), or (S)

17-12    Represents areas of concern with your (R), (SC), or (S)

11-0      Represents we really encourage you and your husband to consider professional help.


What the combined answers might imply about your relationship, self-confidence and sexuality as it relates to your overall sense of well-being:

90-72     You are in a very good place in your relationship, self-confidence, sexual function.

71-51   You are square in the middle and probably “content” in your life, marriage, and with your physical intimacy

50-30   You might be concerned about your overall wellness, and your marriage.

29-0     You might consider professional help with a marriage counselor or sex therapist.




© Linda Banner 2012